Another Lesson

I was really questioning myself and the Lord about my decision to not teach at CAB and about staying home and homeschooling "J". Probably twice a day I would flip flop about it being the right decision or wrong one. Was the Lord really prompting me to do this or was this just me? Was I just looking for an excuse not to work full-time? Is this really the best choice for "J"? I also struggled with a LOT of guilt about not being involved in CAB. The school could really use one more solid teacher and I felt uncertain whether I had followed God's will. It felt like God's will 8 months ago, but now I was not sure.

This past week I believe God used a series of events to remind me that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing for the time being. One of the CAB teachers got rather sick last week. I subbed one day for her. She ended up being admitted to the hospital. I volunteered to do her lesson plans and after discussing it with Steve I also volunteered to sub for her this week. It was only a four day week for the students and I thought it might help "J" have some CAB school time. Maybe he would realize that his idea of CAB school was not all ideal as he seems to think. We could easily take a week off of homeschool.

At one point last weekend, as I was sitting in the hospital for 14 hours with the sick teacher, the possibility of her leaving to go back to the US was looming large. The doctors thought she might have liver disease. That is a post for another day. But I was prematurely feeling the pressure of that decision. If she left who would teach? I knew I was very capable to take the class. "J" would probably be thrilled to be back with is friends. I was rather distressed. I was confused. Had I really just missed God in all this? Was I supposed to be at CAB all this time? You have to remember that I thought we would have "K" with us by now or a foster child. I just could not get any clarity in the situation.

Then on Monday "J" got sick. Fortunately it was a vacation day for the kids. "L" was just getting over tonsilitis herself and he woke up Monday morning not feeling great. By night time he had 102 fever, throwing up, and a bad throat. I had committed to subbing the next day. I was so upset. One of the more outstanding reasons that I didn't want to be consumed full time with CAB this year was so that I could be there for my family. So that if my kids were sick, I would be there for them and take care of them. Here I was making arrangements for my helper to watch him. I spent about an hour just weeping on the bed, reading scripture that night. I didn't understand. Why was this happening? I had been homeschooling for a month. I was completely available for my kids if they got sick and now I made one commitment and that was that. Well the Lord ministered to my heart through some Psalms that He would work out the plans for my life. It was not up to me to work these things out. I needed to trust HIM to work it out. I can't even think of all the verses that helped me gain perspective. I knew down deep that it was HIM who was leading me down this path to stay home this year. I poured out my heart to HIM at a level that does not happen very often in my life. In His own special way, he heard my prayers and confirmed in me what I should be doing.

As it turns out, the next day I took the teacher for a follow-up ultrasound and actually she got a third one to confirm. There was nothing wrong with her liver. What showed up the week before was not there. Praise GOD!!! All this talk about leaving came to abrupt halt. The Lord had it all under control.

Now the week did not get any easier. "J" had an allergic reaction to the amoxicilin Tuesday night. I had to leave school and take him to the doctor on Wednesday to get a new antibiotic (erythromycin). Then Wednesday night he threw up four or five times after his second dose of that antibiotic. I was quite uneasy about the meds and I even called the 24 hour drug and poison control number. They told me to stop the antibiotic immediately. Steve ended up staying home with him Thursday (HUGE GUILT) and started him on his third antibiotic in three days.

SO now it is Friday night. "J" is much better and was able to go to CAB today while I taught my last day. I know God used the events of this week to remind me that my family comes first. I have to let CAB and its needs go. I can't meet the needs of the school at the expense of my husband, kids, and home.

It is late and a cockroach just dropped off the ceiling onto my pajamas. YUCK!! I will probably dream of it crawling around my bed.